To the mom who miscarried and has kids

Dear Mama,

Firstly, I want to say I’m so sorry for your loss. I understand your pain, confusion and hurt. You had already been made a mama by your little one(s) and the day came when you found out you were pregnant again! Joy, nervousness and elation may have started to course through your veins and how your new little one would fit right into your already busy family…

Then, time stops. Something is wrong and suddenly your world collapses from underneath you. Maybe you went to your doctor and they broke the bad news. Maybe it was a nightmare situation that you experienced like I did.  No matter what it was one you will never forget. Here are a few thoughts from a mama who has been through it.

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“A person is a person, no matter how small.” Its ok to feel the pain of loss. Maybe you were only a few weeks into your pregnancy or much further along. No matter when, the pain of loosing a child is still real.

Utter shock. When we lost Phoebe it never occurred to me that I could loose a baby, especially sense I had already had two. It’s ok to feel angry that you feel like your body betrayed you. You may feel like something was taken away from you, feel empty.  Your body already did this growing a baby thing and it had the nerve to stop working. I don’t have answers why these things happen. But I know The Lord has been close to me in my pain and torment. He’s there for you too.

You are not a failure. I struggled with feeling like I failed Phoebe by not being able to keep her alive. I also struggled with guilt of surviving when she did not. I had thoughts like: maybe I didn’t take enough vitamins, or all my medications on time, maybe…Maybe you are not a failure. You didn’t do anything wrong. Miscarriages happen to the best of us.

It’s ok to mourn. Talk to your spouse about how you are feeling.  Cry, scream, rail at God He can handle it.

You are under no obligation to tell anyone anything, unless you want to. It is good to talk to a mama who has been through it. I’e talked to moms who experienced multiple miscarriages, infant loss of twins in the third trimester, stillborn children you name it. I had the privilege to meet a wonderful older woman who lost eight children. Her faith in the Lord made me weep and gave me strength in the hardest time in my life.  She did not give up on having children. She has two adult sons now. You would be surprised about how many mamas out there will tell you their stories. There is a lot of comfort in knowing you are not alone. 

Take your time to process the loss. Not until very recently did we visit Phoebe’s gravesite. She’s buried in an infant cemetery a few towns over. Both my husband and I can only emotionally handle going once a year, and I’m so glad we did. Being in an infant cemetery is saddening and comforting all at the same time. There are so many others who have gone through loss. Their stories are heart breaking and you truly understand them on a whole new level.

Do something that will make your heart light. Spend time with the people who matter the most, watch a movie that makes you smile (even if you don’t want to smile).

Be comforted by the love of your family. My now middle son was a huge help for me to get through the loss of our first daughter. He had just turned one the day after Phoebe passed. I couldn’t wait get home from the hospital to be with my kids. 

Your family still needs you. This one is the most difficult. If you are already a mom and experience a loss, your children still need you. Take comfort in the love they have for you. All you may want to do is curl up in a ball and not get out of bed for a week. Unfortunately your toddler may just think you are playing a game and want to get in bed with you and watch Moana again. If they do, get some popcorn and go with it.

The Bible says The Lord is close to the broken hearted. He is close to you in your pain. He cries with you. I take comfort in knowing the day I leave this Earth I will see my little girl in Heaven. I also am so thankful for the two boys I gave birth to before Phoebe and the beautiful little girl I gave birth to after her. I look in there eyes and see hope in the world. Go through the motions of grief, give it all to God. Do what you need to do. In the end, even in your pain, you have to get back up. You don’t have to do it alone. With God’s help, little by little begin to get back up.